Mating Rituals
by TBM1
Summary: Morrigan wants nothing more than to enjoy the night in solitude after an exhausting day, but she has several unwanted guests joining her due to the Warden's shockingly open love-life. Parody of Leliana's romance scene from the viewpoint of the other companions.


_**Author's Note: Just something silly I thought of the other day when I was playing Dragon Age: Origins. I found it pretty...strange that the Warden and Leliana say they are going in the tent, then proceed to have sex right by the fire...as all the other companions stand around. I imagine this must've been pretty awkward, especially because I shot down Alistair a bit before this happened. It was a hard decision, and it was hard to do it, so don't think I hate him lol. Anyway, I should be working on my ongoing stories but I had to write something funny because I've been pretty stressed; enough of my rambling, enjoy the story!**_

Mating Rituals

Morrigan hummed quietly to herself as she stirred the rabbit stew that boiled over her fire. She went silent and smiled to herself as the sounds of the crickets and frogs surrounded her. It was nice to be back in the Wilds after the blasted Warden had her running about Denerim all day with the skinny boyish girl and that fool Alistair. She had seen enough of the blasted city; it was almost hard to remember when she had actually wanted to visit Denerim. She had grown tired of running about the city and helping anyone that so much as mentioned a problem near the Warden. She had also grown tired of the strange looks the people gave her. The way their eyes lingered on her, either lustful or suspicious, made her want to set them on fire. She smirked to herself as the thought crossed her mind.

The first time they had visited Denerim, the Warden was as equally enthralled with the city as Morrigan was. She said that she hadn't had the chance to see the city in years, as her family life had kept her quite busy. Morrigan knew the woman was a Cousland, whom were apparently a noble family in Ferelden. She could not see the woman as a noble. She did not have the haughty, pampered attitude; she was rather quick to help people and did not try to hold herself higher than others. Nor did she have the fine clothing and hair that they did. Her hair was rather simple; an auburn color styled and cut short almost twin to Leliana's. And her armor was simple leather, although it was sometimes replaced by the Drakescale armor that the eccentric man in Denerim had made for her.

She looked down towards the main camp, seeing Bodahn and Sandal climbing into their caravan to sleep for the night. She looked away from the Dwarven merchants, seeing the Warden speaking with a rather crestfallen looking Alistair. The Templar looked as though someone had spit on his cheese. Morrigan smirked widely, stopping mid-stir and wondering what the Warden had said to make his face look so delightfully disheartened. The Warden placed a hand on his shoulder and said something to him, her face colored with concern and a bit of sorrow mixed with an apologetic look, but the Templar simply nodded and said something brief back to the Warden.

The Warden nodded and said something else before leaving Alistair's side and going to sit beside Leliana and the Nug that she had gifted to the bard. Morrigan's yellow eyes briefly flashed back to Alistair, who was staring blankly into the fire. The witch could not see his expression as his armored back was turned to her. She turned her eyes back to her stew, quickly losing interest.

...

Morrigan eagerly turned the page of the grimoire, her brilliant eyes flying across the worn pages that were filled with Flemeth's spells. So much knowledge that Flemeth had kept from her…

"Morrigan?" Alistair's voice interrupted her racing thoughts, startling her and making her jump slightly. She propped herself up on an elbow, her eyes boring into his from her position on her cot. She closed the grimoire with a huff and shoved it under her pillow.

"What in damnation do you want, fool?" She replied acidly. She did not like being interrupted; especially by the foolish Templar.

Sadness practically dripped from his face and his words were choked reply. "I know we don't get on…but can I please sit up here with you for a bit?" His brows were knit close together, his eyes pleading without him realizing it.

Morrigan raised a dark eyebrow, giving Alistair a questioning look. "Why would you want to sit with me? I vaguely recall you telling me to go die in a bush earlier."

The Templar didn't smile or make a snarky reply like he normally would; he simply let his eyes fall to the ground and spoke quietly. "Please Morrigan, I just can't be around _her _right now. I'll leave in a bit. You won't even know I'm here."

Morrigan sighed. The last thing she wanted to deal with right now was an emotional Templar, but she was curious. It could provide a bit of amusement after all. "What did the Warden do that was so terrible? You looked like she kicked your puppy or something."

Alistair was silent as he sank to the ground near the witch's fire. He wrapped his arms loosely around his knees. "She told me there was nothing between us…that we should just be friends," His reply was choked.

Morrigan fought the mad desire to hit the man and tell him to get over it before she set him ablaze. She sighed loudly and rolled her eyes. "We have a Blight to worry about. Why does it matter that she is not interested in a relationship?"

His face became more pained. "Oh she is. Just not with me. Even after everything we've been through together."

The witch laughed loudly, causing the Templar to look up at her. "Oh really? With who then? The nymphomaniac assassin, the dwarf, or the Qunari?" The situation was amusing indeed, much to Morrigan's delight. She looked down at him, eyes sparkling with gusto.

"None of the above."

Morrigan cocked her head to the side. "Oh?"

Alistair sighed and cast his eyes sadly back into the fire after he looked briefly towards the camp. "Why don't you take a look and see?"

Morrigan looked towards the camp, seeing the Warden and Leliana kissing passionately by the large fire. She grimaced as the Orlesian pulled the Warden close and straddled her. "'Tis a bit…sickening to watch them go on like that. I hope the dalliance is worthwhile at least."

Alistair gave a ragged sigh and rested his forehead on his arms. "Dear Maker…"

"I'm sure they will go in the tent soon enough, then you can leave me to my spells." She gave a small sigh before pulling out her grimoire and trying to ignore the presence of the jealous Templar.

...

Morrigan had hardly read through three pages when Wynne's voice disturbed her. "May I sit here? I'm afraid it's a bit…uncomfortable at the main camp."

The witch's sigh came out more like a growl as she slammed her grimoire for the second time that night. She glared daggers at the Circle Mage, but the older woman did not waver under her glare. "What, did the Warden break your heart too? Come to cry on my shoulder like this fool?" Morrigan spat sarcastically as she motioned towards Alistair.

Wynne did not react to the witch's sarcasm, instead responding in her calm and collected way. "I simply do not wish to see the Warden and Leliana…making love by the fire."

Morrigan's eyes widened slightly and Alistair groaned, "They seriously don't even have the decency to go in her tent? Maker…" He didn't dare look towards the main camp.

Sten silently approached from behind Wynne. "I've no desire to see such a thing either. I do not understand how or why two females would mate. Mating is required for procreation, nothing more. That is the way of the Qunari. You humans make little sense to me," He said in his deep, disinterested tone before sitting near Alistair. Wynne sat beside the Qunari.

"Blasted damnation!" Morrigan cried, causing the three uninvited guests to look over at her. "I simply wanted a quiet night after running around that damned city all day! Now I've got to deal with you fools!" She gripped her grimoire tightly, fighting the urge to go beat the Warden and the bard with it.

Heavy footsteps made their way toward Morrigan's fire, causing her to look over at the approaching Shale. She stood up, throwing her grimoire onto her cot and stalking towards the golem. "Oh no golem! Three fools are three too many, we need not make it four! You get your rocky arse back down there!" She cried, pointing towards the main camp frantically.

Shale gave a sound that was reminiscent of a sigh, but it was hard to tell with the unusual creature. "I go where I please human. Now move. I'm tired of watching It and the sister touching each other's flesh in such a disturbing manner. I had to deal with such things in Honnleath and I will not be forced to see such things here," Shale grumbled, pushing the Witch aside and going to join the others near her fire.

Morrigan gave a cry of anger, looking at the gathering group near her fire. "No! I want all of you gone! Go bother the merchants!" She snarled, pointing a sharp finger at the merchant's caravan.

The group did not disperse, they simply stared at the fuming witch. Amusement crossed Sten's lips briefly as Zevran and Oghren approached from behind the shouting witch.

Zevran's smooth accent cut her tirade short as he placed a hand on her shoulder. "I am sorry Morrigan, but it was getting a bit hard to watch so closely without wanting to join in. You don't mind if Oghren and I enjoy the show from near your camp, do you?"

Morrigan's jaw dropped and she slapped the elf's hand away. "I swear, I will set all of your tents on fire when you are asleep," She seethed, yellow eyes flashing dangerously.

Zevran and Oghren plopped down on the path that led to Morrigan's camp and trained their eyes intently on the two women writhing and moaning by the fire. "Sounds fun. I'll even help you do that after I watch this. This is a once in a lifetime experience…all my dreams are coming true," Oghren said in his deep, gravelly voice. His tone was absolutely ecstatic and he choked up at the end as if he was about to cry with happiness. He pulled a flask out from underneath his thick red beard and drank heavily as Zevran gave him a pat on the shoulder.

Morrigan threw her hands in the air and gave a cry of rage. She stomped back to her cot and threw herself in it, overwhelmed by everyone around her. There was no way she would be learning anything from Flemeth's grimoire with all these fools about. She made a mental note to set the Warden and the bard on fire in the morning, but not before shapeshifting into a bear and mauling them. The witch kept herself entertained with various ways of killing the two women, before sleep finally claimed her.


End file.
